Too anger on me - Azabu's journal


#1

Hello,

If I dont start to write, ill never write, my brain doesnt function correctly, because im too unmotivated, because i cant expres my anger, my emotions, what I think in my state right now, I cant do things I imagine to do right now …
So I started recently a journal in nofap, and I did a week of abstinence, now i go again for the nofap, and I want to add also nosurf, I really want to use my computer for usefull things…

I tought not using my computeur at all at home, but i know event I go in the kitchen of my corridor or at university for use my computeur, I will not be motivate, I will to be good because of students in the environnement who laugh, have fun, talk with their friend, and me alone, My anger will be here, and Im too well educated, to start with a student a group, and start yelling at them, I never did that, there is things people dont do in society…

I really need to be a little more secure, I little bit more relax, detach to people, I need to do, to have something usefull to do, to start really to talk to people …
So maybe if I express myself here, will help me, and it will be beter than watching again the same videos, the same series, the same movies again and again, because I dont have even the motivation to find others series/movies …


#2

Hello guys,

Yesterday I talk to people by voice on discord and it help me, but I was tired when we finish ( after 1 hour ) and espcially because I still had nothing to do …
I was not enough tired to go to sleep, it was still early …
So I went wasting my time in fuckin facebook fuckin youtube !!! watchin fuckin people who live 100% their fuckin life, like video about nude stupids girls in tv reality, etc or stupid people in facebook group who dont think, who live only by emotion …

I should not spend my time watching this shit because in reality it doesnt help, in the opposite, yeah I forget my bad tought at the moment, but deeply I still feel bad, because I dont move forward of my situation …

But if I don’t do this, I cant still do useful things, like looking for a good books, apply for interniship, because in my state, Im not creative, I need to feel good to be creative, and I know it is useless to force me work and not be creative, because I had experienced I do shit, because of no creativity… Im agreee with people who say work less, but more effective better, it is so true for me, It useless to work in my situation, and it is useless to go in social media, so I cant do nothing …

I just need to express my emotion in the day, to start be creative, and my brain strart to work…


#3

Hello,

I can do nofap, but but I actually cant do nosurf, I never really did a streak when I was at home, because of my lack social life.
I think in the adaptated environnement, both are possible, but for now Im student, and I live alone in korridor, so I need to improve like this …


#4

I’m attracted by the delinquency

Hello guys, I dont want to be ashamed to say it, this is normal with which I lived, and in my situation.

People, in general, we cant say it because we will be judged to be a bad person, but me it is in the opposite, Im too kind, always, I always pass the feeling of people before mine ! I care too much about people, and they didnt care about me ( because I dont show my emotions ) So now I always think in my mind to harm them !
I want to steal things because I saw a lot possibilities to steal, and I find some things absurd to pay them.
Im attracted by the street !!!

You know I was very religious, so before I didnt really think about that, it was forbidden for me, because of God.
But after, I wasnt religious anymore, and I started frequented people who are not also. And I saw the evil !!! I saw the bad they do, the antipathetic, the egocentrism, they want, they search only their pleasure, they were shitty people who deserve to be harm !!!

I saw them stealing, but no in shops, but they steal in the easy way, when they have the opportunity, but they judges people who steal with difficulty, I call that hypocrisy, they dont have principles.

You know as Im alone, I saw, I observe what people dont observe, what social people dont see, so I have a different point of view.


#5

Im attracted to do things opposite to the society, not the big deliquency, but the little one, little bad things, just no be kind, and not necassary respect the law.

I can give you an example, Im in mc donald, I can take the order of someone else they dont verify, and eat for free… etc

Yes because, Im excluded by the society Im excluded with people, so why I should make effort to be kind, to throw things in the trash, to help slutty hot girl who have easy life as all men want to be with her, why I should be kind ???

I have these tought because I cant express my anger, if I could just yell at people, just yell at girls, I wont be attracted by the deliquency anymore, and I will feel not depressed anymore, I need to yell at people.
But I cant, I need an emmergency reason to do that, I cant yell to people if he/she didnt look at me good, or he/she answer to me coldly.

You know I already said it in other places, my environnement is fuckin western students with their fuckin super easy and confortable life, I really tried to be kind with them in a time, it doesent work, they want only fun, and because my heart was not autentic, I had pain, and anger in my heart, but we learn in education, I had a pious education to be kind to people.

And when Im alone and I think to yell at them, I imagine, they will take revenge on me, and do me bad things, and me Im not used to that, so they will ham me, so Iwill need to harm them more, so Ill be fired to school.

You know guys I tought a lot about my situation get out of it, I know I really need to work, to be in the professional world. Because the work save you from delinquancy, from doing bad things. And the environnement of work is more more adapted to me, worker had a harder life, work is harder than studies, so I wont be with fuckin spoiled student, but with real worker.

You know Im disgusted by shcool, because I cant express my emotions, myself in this lax environnement.

I understand now deliquancy and criminality, I understand, this not because of the people are necessarly bad, but they begin to do that their environement. I understand why the ghetto, in the woods, in the sensitives subrbs yougs people are attracted by the delinquency.

Me I really want to avoid it, because it is not my education, Im not adapted to that, and it is more harder more dangereous, more difficultl life.

It is better for me to be included in the society a long as still I have a chance. It is better for me to be a good person in the society, because I care too much about people, and because I had a pious, very well education far way from the deliquency, Im not used to do bad things,

I know even people included in the society do very bad things, I saw them, I saw the majority of people are so hypocrites and with no strong principles. But whatever, I will tempt to be integrated in the society, I just need to start workin, even I fail or I pass my last year of studies, even I fail to be an engineer, I should start to work in emmergency, writing, to avoid deliquency.

Yeah guys I write here to avoid it, because it is a scary world, it is a totally different world, and could be very addictive, when we start the street…

I need to be in an environnement where we work hard to not think about bad tought, and I need to be environnement with real people, not spoiled people, not hypocrites people, not selfish people, to forget my envy to harm people


#6

Hey,

I will stop playing chess, because my brain really doesnt work correctly in my situation, because I used to block my self, because like I said, I want to “bad things”, things not accepted by the society, but I never dare do it, because I imagine the worst can happen, so for I block my self, I bridle myself, to not be agressif, and dont do these things…
So I became weak, so yes, Im weak, my brain bridle me, makes me weak to avoid doing bad things.
But there is side effect, for even good things, things i know people like, I know society like I cant do it correctly, because Im bridle.
I feel very weak, very vulnerable…

I will stop playing chess until I improve my situation, because, chess make me very frustrated, my brain doesnt fuction correctly, and I dont want to do effort to thinks, because chess is not usefull to improve my situation … Its a good game, but there are priority in life, and for example I think writing, express my self even in writing, even in internet is more usefull for me than playing chess.
The best, the ideal is obviously to express myself with people in real life, and I will immediatly feel secure, and dont think about bad things.
You know, you cant understand me, people cant understand me if they didnt lived the true loneliness. Most of people, Most of yougs have their loved ones, their close firends/relatives, they have people who care about them,so they really cant understand my situation, so I cant express myself in real life …

So maybe, I will stop totally chess, totally distraction in youtube and facebook, and start writing here instead, and it will help to avoid the world of the street


#7

Hello guys,

ill try to write now all my emotions and my current feelings.
So restarted school after one week off where I did nothing, and this morning in the amphitheatre, I was very very stressed and not comfortable at all.
This is not new, Im for a long time always not confortable at school, maybe even always Im like that.
But now the difference is I want to change, and I know why Im like this.
I need really to feel comfortable at school or I will fail my last semester, I had now only one fuckin semester, I missed, I didnt go to exams because I felt miserable and so terrible, but maybe I have a chance to repass these exams, I need to talk with my professors, and Im really afraid and stressed by what I need to tell them !!

You know in my previous message, I swallow so much anger, so much sadness, so much pain in me, I repress my emotions for so long, so Im not affraid these professor wont trust me, or wont give my chance, because I couldnt not be able to show them my emotions, so they will think Im just not good at school, or its totally wrong, it s because I repress my emotions, I bridle myself, than my brain doesent function correctly, and I cant work my courses !!!

Its difficult for me to show emotions to people now, because I used to block them …
So many times I tried to improve my situation, to socialize, and talk to people, but they never gave me my chance, so I had a big hatred against people, it that reason Im tempted by the delinquency, hit girls, etc

But I noticed when I express my emotion with people, with somenone, it happen to me sometimes, I dont want to do bad things anymore.
Yeah maybe if I say I want to harm people, people thinks Im a bad person, but it is the opposite, Im so a good person, Im so good educated, than people harm so many times my feeling and I did not get revenge on them, so it is normal for me to have these feelings.
I need to talk with people who love me, and want to help, recognize me as a good person, and I will not think about bad things.

I need to feel comfortable, secure in shcool, in my daily life, to hot have a lot hate against people.
I need to do what I want to do, but before I need to want to do things which are accepted by society, so I need to be integrate in the society and with people. Its normal when you are alone, to want to do things not accepted by the society and not by people.

You know, for long time, or even always I never did what I want to do, before it was not bad things, I was affraid to be moke by children in the school, because I was different, So I didnt dare express myself, to be afraid to be mocked, and hurt. Even I was teenager, I always imagined the worst, the difference now it is I understand, I know why, and I know what I need to get out of that.

I think we should not be ashamed to have anger agreesivity, to want harming people, to want harming the society when we suffered as I suffer ( psycology )

I know I lived with so spoild people, they are the most visible, you know girl for example they can express theirs emotions, and no one will harm them, people are too kind with girls, because we tought they are weak, and mens want girls be weak and feminine like that.
Mens spoil so much pretty/hot girls, I really hate these girls because they are so spoiled by the people, and they have no empathy with me, they are so stupid, they cant understand rationnally with their brains.
Mens spoil these girls because they find this weakness sexually attractive for them. A tough girl, a girl with a steel mentality is not attractive for them.
But in reality girls have the same brain than mens, they can be as intelligent, and they can be as strong in the mentality, and endure the same suffering.
Girls are only less physically strong, they have less muscle, and less testosterone, but I believe woman and man are equal in the brain, in the mental. Im not machist, for me woman is not inferior to man.
I knew I saw girls very strong in mentality, but they are not sexy, and they are not attractives like the society want for them …