The One Against The Million - teenagedreaming's Journal


#45

Maybe if texting is too hard, there are also candybar phones. The first cellphone I ever had was a red candybar phone that had touchscreen T9 texting, but I always used the pullout keyboard.

I have my eyes set on a flip phone because they are the only dumbphones I can even get. Which is fine.


#47

I’m not sure if having an iPad would defeat the purpose of switching to a basic phone. If I got a flip phone to get off the Internet, then I can always go to my iPad, and a computer. But then again, I never saw the use of Apple watches either if most people had iPhones and iPads. I liked being a real man and using a normal watch, so I guess the same can be applied here. Getting a flip phone would mean that I wouldn’t have to worry about constantly having to reset it just to dumb it down, saves time.


#49

Can you name a few good, free blockers? I haven’t been able to find any, and I don’t have any real life accountability partners. I always like to wait until it’s very late at night, then set up the password and slowly forget. Not the best thing to do, but it works better.


#52

Week 4, Day 6.

I’m trying to find a balance between participating online and doing the stuff I wanna do in life. Which is mainly writing and music but also getting physically fit. It might include this site. All this internet drama just keeps me hooked for some reason. I’m sure you all know what the hell I’m talking about. I’m not sure why, but I just felt so hooked. I never really did any research on how Internet drama can keep us hooked, but I’m pretty sure it appeals to some primal instinct. It might be some psychological trap of some kind. I’m thinking of not just getting off, but putting the iPad somewhere hard to reach just to take a break from the 'net.


#53

Week 5, Day 1.

I sometimes wonder how helpful having an iPad really is. I haven’t really done anything productive on it. And the few things that were, I could have just done on a computer. I find myself browsing so much on the damn thing, it’s just a big iPhone. That’s all it really is.

I mean, fuck school. All that homework doesn’t do jackshit to help me learn. Why have so much? They wanna talk so much about education, yet most of our kids are as dumb as a box of rocks. Gee, I wonder why.

And all that homework and browsing, I don’t really give myself time to do anything good for me.

Might just trash the iPad and solely use the pc from now on. Maybe not even mine, maybe the library.


#54

Week 5, Day 2.

Even though I said “fuck school” in my last entry. I somehow feel really dumb. Yes, I left my smartphone at home. And I’ve been doing that for days now, so I’m not as distracted. It’s actually great, I feel more “in the moment”. Kinda wish I can get my watch in-sync again so I can tell the time.

But when I say I feel “dumb”. I feel like the proles or outer party members from 1984 by George Orwell. Where the State tells me everything and I recite it. I don’t know anything and I honestly feel like I’m getting dumber from all of the quite honestly mostly useless information. I wanna be a writer and musician. Not a scientist or mathematician. I’m shit at math. And I’m sure if I was locked into a room with a bunch of chemicals and told to mix stuff without instructions, I would blow the whole thing up. No way I could be a doctor. History’s kinda cool though.

I need to read again.


#55

If you want to be a writer, you have to, above all, start to write again every day, if you‘re not already doing so :slightly_smiling_face:


#56

Aboul anything? Or the book?


#57

Anything really. With writing, you never know what‘s gonna end up on the page. But it probably helps to have something you have a desire to write about.


#58

Week 5, Day 3.

The Smartphone Struggle.

I want to tell a little story.

When I was 16, it was around the afternoon of April 19, 2017. I wanted to switch to a flipphone really bad. I had a smartphone and I was just tired of constantly taking the easy way out with porn. So I tried something drastic. I dropped my phone in the washing machine (with the water and soap filled of course). I just drenched the thing and then smashed it. Yeah I admit it, I did it on purpose. I wanted to destroy it to finally be switched to a flip phone. I hate how I had to be so drastic, but it was the only option at the time. I would have not went through with it if I knew for sure I would be forced to get another smartphone.

But unfortunately, that was the case. Somehow upgraded for compensation. There’s a catch. If I destroy it again, I won’t have a phone at all.

As we all know, I’m trying to free myself from the screen. I see my smartphone as an inhibitor for my day to day life. Every time I bring it I have that temptation to use it. I hate using it. Even after I turned it into a dumb phone. And when I leave it at home, I feel like a normal human being. 99% of my life, I don’t really need it. Even in those make believe emergency situations. Calling for help with my phone would honestly be one of the last things I would do. The first being to get the hell out of there, and if I’m not in the right place to do that then hiding somewhere or something. The phone lines would be so overloaded that calling for help would be useless.

So why have a phone then? Why should I have it if the most important use for it probably won’t even work when I would need it most. Even if I’m not calling 911. By the time I try to call for help I’m probably already dead. So it would be better to run or fight. I dunno why I’m thinking this if I relapsed on porn with my computer and iPad.

So that sort of got me thinking. What would happen if it happened again? I’m not sure what would happen if it did. As maybe it could happen by accident. It would be extremely risky. Not having a phone at all. But it could also be refreshing as well. Life would be so different.

But relapsing on porn. I wanna quit. But I keep failing. No girls around to…quell urges if you catch my drift. And maybe I should just stick an ice pack to my crotch when nobody is around. I never tried it, but maybe it can give the temptations the cold shoulder. Pun 100% intended.


What is a NoSurf relapse?
#59

Week 6.

Even though school is supposed to teach me how to be an adult. I find my social skills are getting worse and worse from not talking to people. I’m just sitting through 7 classes where I do busywork without getting paid. My grades are probably slipping, and I’m even embarrassed to ask for help. I just wanna get through school and I sometimes want nothing to do than to get out as soon as I can. I often feel like I have no friends there. There’s not one class where I can at least talk to a group of best friends. I feel like an outsider when everyone else gets their little tribe. I should have been more grateful maybe. But now I’m not sure what to do now.

Swear to god if any of them finds this journal. There’s a reason why I wear this “mask”, why I don’t post pictures of my face. And that’s so nothing I say on here comes back to me in real life.

But I constantly get stressed out and headaches about school. I question and doubt myself a lot. Which people are actually good people and actually like me and shit. God I’m so fucking tired right now.

I know it’s a little bit of a rant. But I wanna meditate or something. Never learned how.


#60

Why aren’t you talking to people? I have a hard time believing that everyone in class has a hostile attitude towards you. I too shy away from talking to people most of the times. But when I do I am pleasantly surprised at how friendly most are. I get a feeling that it’s getting you depressed to feel so excluded. The burden is on you to initiate contact. Please do so. It’s fine that you’re keeping us up to date in this journal, but the NoSurf community cannot replace quality face-to-face relationships. They are the best thing to have in life.

As for meditation: Sit down straight, close your eyes, focus on your breath and let the thoughts pass through you. Do this however long you intend - set an alarm clock for it. There is nothing particularly fancy about it. Everyone can do it right this moment.


#61

You might wanna give “How To Win Friends And Influence People” by Dale Carnegie a read. I think it could be really helpful in this situation as like horatio I don’t believe that it’s the people in your school that are the problem.

Sometimes you have to entertain the idea that you might be the one who has to change, to put forth a more positive and friendly face and go out into the world rather than expecting the world to change and adapt to you.

We all wish the people would like us for “us” but sometimes sadly people are drawn to people with high social skills and emotional IQ’s. So no matter if you are the most wonderful person in the world, until you have the ability to demonstrate that through people through the medium of social interaction they won’t know.


#62

Does that mean I would have to use social media? I read someone else on here say that I would have to use social media to get friends.


#63

Why should that be the case? They are people that you have regular face-to-face time with, aren‘t they? I guess you want to point to the fact that those people use social media to handle their staying in touch when not at the same space. But do they really? How do young people interact today? I had the impression that they handle their digital interaction mainly via messenger apps (it‘s mainly WhatsApp here in Austria) and do not use social media all that much if at all.


#64

Week 6, Day 3.

You know what I find weird? How we have access to more information than any human did in history. We can type messages to anyone in the world as long as they have internet access and have the right tools. A person can upload a video to the world wide web and have their message heard by millions of people all around the world. Messages that world normally take days or weeks to send, would now take minutes.

And yet, we use that tool to watch videos of naked people fucking on a screen. We waste our time living other people’s lives. We watch videos that don’t mean a damn thing to our real lives. We invest so much into fictional characters, even if they aren’t real entirely, or just people wearing a mask. Even though I am a writer and I create fictional characters. I wish I didn’t invest so much time in other characters. It makes me feel unoriginal and it makes my writing more “fanfiction” if you know what I mean.


#65

I don’t think so. Regardless of your age, having outstanding social skills will result in you making friends. Social media might make it a bit easier for you to communicate with people when your not physically with them but a lack of social media doesn’t explain a difficulty in making friendships when in a physical setting with other human beings.


#66

Week 7, Day 3.

Hello everyone. As you may know, I haven’t been very active on this website. I met a cute girl and we both started a relationship. I can certainly say that having a girlfriend gave me a lot more motivation to stay away from the stuff that’s bad for me in order to be a good boyfriend. Especially porn. I do get urges at school, but usually after coming home after seeing my gf. I don’t really want to anymore.

I will say though that I was surprised that relationships weren’t as a big of a deal as I thought. She’s more like my new best friend at the school. Rather than those fairytale love stories you hear about. Wish I can see her more. I’ll just have to wait and see.

I will say that the worst “enemy” so to speak is my own paranoia sometimes. But as I learned. The best course of action would be to stay optimistic and to not bring up any girl drama that may come.


#67

I want to congratulate you on starting such a level-headed relationship with someone you like. I hope it will continue to enrich your life.


#68

Week 8, Day 1.

I wanna put this on here because I really don’t know where else to type it without getting some kind of response. But I’ve had this one problem I’ve had with myself that I wanna share.

I was bullied when I was a kid. I didn’t know how to stand up for myself so I just took it, feeling powerless. Hell, I only learned how to do it at age 15. I’m 17 now. So about 14 years of dealing with that. So when a person of authority talks to me, regardless of how friendly and benevolent they are, I usually see them in a light similar to the way a bully would seem to their target. So like any bully, I hate them and think they are an asshole without as many reasons as to why. So I somehow try to find power, do stupid shit for some weird “fuck authority” vendetta, and hang out with other like-minded troublebreakers. I never did anything too serious, just break the rules every now and then with friends. I just end up feeling stupid and cowardly after. Hiding behind a group to break the rules then run away once I’m singled out. It just feels stupid and I did it today by myself. Today I could actually pinpoint that having been bullied in the past is why I keep doing it. As stupid as it sounds. I wanna get over it.

Even while that was happening, D.A.R.E was a really popular thing when I was growing up. I recited their little bullshit about resisting drugs and violence. Just look it up, and you can tell it didn’t work. But I trusted them. Only to realize it was bullshit years later. Same thing with this cult I used to be in for like two years from when I was 15 to now. Called the Soka Gakkai International. They were these “enlightened” people that did a bunch of dumb shit and worshipped Daisaku Ikeda. Guy didn’t do shit.

I just hate this “learned helplessness” crap. Where I just hope someone else fixes everyone.

After leaving that cult, I’m not as confident as I used to be. I don’t know why. The friends I had all 3 years are almost completely gone. Making new ones has been hard as hell. I felt like I was in some cryosleep the whole time and woke up the day before I joined in terms of social skills. Or maybe I got worse. Who knows. Maybe I’m just salty I got in trouble.


Reclaiming My Masculine Edge - Teenagedreaming's Second Journal