The One Against The Million - teenagedreaming's Journal


#21

Week 2, Day 3.

I’m not sure what to do. I pretty much barely talk to anyone this senior year. I grew apart from my only friends and honestly I feel like skipping classes.

I also talked to my dad and he said I look like a creep when I’m all alone and I need to get social media just so I can be “more accessible”. And then what happens when I get to college and it’s just the same shit? Do I honestly have to get that shit just to not look like a creep? Ugh.


#22

I feel for you, this sounds like a tough situation. I have got some advice, but keep in mind that it’s coming from a guy in his 30’s who didn’t have to put up with social media at school, most people I knew didn’t even have phones. I don’t know what it’s like to be at school with social media and other pressures, so maybe I’m completely wrong. Having said that, here it is;

Maybe there is value in you using social media. Not, as your dad says, because you come off like a creep, but because you want to make friends and, as much as it sucks, social media is part of that. If everyone is using Facebook Messenger or Snapchat or whatever to communicate then you can’t expect them to go out of their way to include you if you aren’t on those platforms. It’s not good, but I feel like it’s reality at the moment. Unless you’re lucky enough to find a group of people who also don’t use social media, but that seems pretty unlikely nowadays.

Having said that, I think there are ways you can manage it, so that you don’t become a slave to it. Unfortunately, that’s going to be more difficult than just not using it at all, but at least you’ll have friends and, as I am beginning to realise, there is more value to making the changes in yourself than in the equipment you use. If you can build up the discipline to use social media in a way that benefits rather than enslaves you, then you will be a lot better off in the long run than if you simply take away the ability to use it.

Again, it sucks that this seems to be the situation for you, I hope you find a way to deal with it.


#23

Maybe I’ll just get Facebook messenger (god I hate you, Cuckerberg.) and Twitter but not post anything?


#24

Out of curiosity, are people using Twitter for socialising? And if you aren’t going to post anything then maybe it doesn’t have any value to you. Maybe just try Facebook Messenger and see if that solves your issues. Hopefully it wouldn’t be much more distracting than a standard messaging app?


#25

I’m not sure if Twitter has a normal messenging app, as far as I know you just post stuff with 280 characters


#26

Week 2, Day 5

I used to think social media was the problem. I used to think if I just destroyed my smartphone, or logged off all of my social media accounts, that I would be fine and all of my problems would go away, and I would get what I want. But it’s not that easy.

At school when I was a junior, I remember seeing people on their smartphones, and frankly how much I didn’t like them. Noticing that common theme where they all look at their smartphones too much and care about it even more, I’ve been trying to do the opposite.

But I had to change the way I used it. Balancing it, and making it to where I’m not addicted to it. You know, nosurf.

And I made some progress too. Where other kids would probably get really angry and might even cry if their smartphone was taken or broken, I would be slightly inconvenienced at worst. And that may be a good thing, but it can also be a bad thing. I have an iPad, but I don’t really use it that much. So maybe it’s just “oh I have an iPad. I can just use that.”, but then I can just use it as a backup smartphone once I finally switch to a flip phone, but who knows. It could mean I’m more addicted than I thought.

It’s more likely in my opinion, that the real reason why tech companies are simply want money. And the more people use it, the more money they get. Simple as that.

Think about it, would you rather get more money and get more people to use your app? It doesn’t really matter to Suckerberg if his app is causing thousands of people to be worse off mentally and even physically, just as long as he’s making money. That’s what matters.

And that’s the thing I don’t like about these trending social media apps. You may be more “accessible” and it would be easier to connect to people, but they were made with the intention of getting everyone addicted. In a perfect world, I would love for a facebook-like app where you could connect to people post stuff, and send messages. All that Jazz, and have it be the least addicting it can possibly be. Making this website itself look like dopamine-rush-24/7 dot com. But that would mean less money. So chances are, it wouldn’t last very long.

But I did meet a beautiful girl, and even got to first base. We haven’t started anything yet…but I wish I could. I realized that I had a little bit of the “jealous boyfriend” type. Wish I could just snap my fingers and have that gone. But the truth is, with something so good that can happen. It’s hard for me to risk letting that go. But then it can go anyway since I’m that kind of person when it comes to relationships. Wish I can talk to some of the guys on here who have been through this.


#27

Very true, which is also why the discussion about ethical media design is shifting more and more to showing people how to use it. It is far more likely to instill some proper usage sense into people than convince big companies to move away from their financial model. Capitalism and it’s orientation towards money will always rip the social fabric apart and put money over wellbeing.


#28

Week 3, Day 2.

Going full dumbphone again on my smartphone. Getting rid of the internet and any other stuff I don’t need. I found myself going back to my old habits, browsing on reddit and scrolling through music and then forgetting school assignments and being an overall shitty student. The only actual grade I have so far since it’s only the 2nd week is a D- in Algebra 2. I can’t imagine what the others would be like.

My social skills have been worse than ever. I can’t even talk to former teachers right. People I spent an entire semester or two with. I always fuck up and I can’t even find the confidence to go into their room like I used to. I might even just stop bringing my smartphone if I really feel like I need to, but there’s a reason why I’m reluctant.

I don’t want to give any details, but basically I was filming something with a friend and a classmate. My friend drove us to the location, but he forgot something so he left us there to go grab it and come back. While we were waiting, there was this one creepy ass dude. He looked like a child molester I swear to god. He didn’t even talk to us but he was staring at us and gave us the finger a few times. He drove off before our friend got back. Luckily the classmate had a phone, but I didn’t. I was fucking creeped out honestly, knowing if he came at us I wouldn’t be able to do anything. I don’t like relying on other people when my life is in danger, trust issues I know. But after that, I tried to always have my phone on me. Just in case ya know?

I’ve also been having some problems down south if ya know what I mean…PM me if you really wanna know. But it’s mainly been keeping me from going a few days without porn. I honestly think it might be from me carrying my smartphone everywhere. I heard having it in your pocket 24/7 does things to you. Perhaps leaving my phone at home can help.


#29

This is a long shot but I know of people who decided to take up martial arts in an attempt to feel safer when out alone. Maybe you would benefit from martial arts in the same way? It also makes people look cool :sunglasses:

I was very anxious around teachers in high school as well. It sucks. It helps to ask yourself why exactly you are afraid of them. From there you can start to problem solve. If it’s because you think they don’t like you, just know that there are certainly much more annoying students than you out there and somehow they still manage to up up with them. They’ll certainly be able to put up with you as well. As high school teachers especially, it really is their job to help you be succeed in school so feel free to bother them as much as you want. It looks bad on them when students do poorly in classes anyway.


#30

Week 3, Day 4

I haven’t been writing or playing music in a long while. For some reason I wanted to write on the PC. Just that convenience of not wasting paper (despite having plenty) and all that stuff. But I found that my writing is so much worse on the PC than paper. I don’t know if it’s because it’s just bad in general, or the screen distracts me.

Gonna go to a friend’s house, might leave my phone off the whole time just to say fuck it.


#31

Agree with this a lot. If you can sign up for BJJ, or Muay Thai that would be something really worth getting into and can solve a variety of issues.

Social connection, having something to do, building a valuable skill for confidence.


#32

BJJ especially. Have heard of many people who have benefited greatly from that :slight_smile:


#33

Week 3, Day 6.

Tired…feel sick. I wanna delete my reddit accounts so I can get off reddit. I hate making weird mistakes as a senior in HS, I feel like I should know everything by now. So far, so good I guess you can say.

I don’t think I have any morals in life. My one big rule is “It’s not illegal if you don’t get caught.” I mean what kinda rule is that?

When I was a kid, I used to be so…goody two shoes. I followed rules and was a good person because I was taught to and saw it as good. The people who made the rules were out for my safety and I obeyed. I could have still been that way, but being a teenager and being older and therefore smarter. But I was put on this drug called Reddalin. Basically kept me focused, dumbed me down and shut me up. I used to think it helped me and all that bs. But teachers probably only put me on that damn drug just to shut me the fuck up, cause they couldn’t handle me having so much goddamn energy. Now I’m just a cynical prick. If some of you guys or gals were teachers and you saw me in real life, maybe you would’ve hated my guts.


#34

I am terribly sorry that this happened to you. It always makes my skin crawl to think that children (!) are sedated against their wishes just to make them more compliant to normative behaviour.

But, please, it’s not over for you. I get the feeling that you are in a state of some confusion about how you act and feel. This is a good sign. If you keep going, you’ll find out what’s good and true and become able to act on it. I want to applaud your discipline in writing this journal.


#35

Week 4, Day 1.

I’ve been thinking about working on my music playing skills. I spend all of this time on the internet instead of working on myself. I like writing, creating a story and alone in my room, it’s honestly fun. But what about my social skills and learning how to be in the spotlight without messing up? Spending time with two of my closest friends who also want to be musicians. Maybe if I just got of the internet, I’d have enough time to not only focus on school, but master both of my interests. I don’t know though, it’s so addicting.

Perhaps I should start small by leaving my phone at home or scheduling a time when I get off the net. That sorta stuff. Start exercising too, I think I’m gaining weight. It’s good to lose weight ya know? Look good for the girlies.

Also, there’s a teacher I used to have. She was my 10th grade science teacher, I think I mentioned her on this thread before. I always get so nervous if I ever think about going to her room and saying hi or something. I always say like “could I …should I…would I…” over and over til I end up pussying out and leaving. I always end up thinking I’m a fucking stalker or something. God damn. I’m usually confident, and think it’s no biggy. But I said and done a lot of dumb shit to her, and sometimes I think she still remembers.

Sigh, I know she’s married and all but can’t help but treat it as like a crush or something. Hope she doesn’t read this.


#36

Week 4, Day 2.

Finally mustered up the courage to go in and talk to her today. I just said “fuck it” and went in. And once I was in, everything was completely normal. It was actually a lot easier than I thought. She was open, and I was also open. She is actually a lot friendlier and more honest than most teachers.

Other than that, today has been normal and mundane. But I’m here to say that I’ll be trying to go as little tech as possible. Which means I won’t be on the site at all for some time. Meaning no journal entries either. It’s just, I would often get lured to the computer to write one, then to waste my whole day surfing for hours like I used to. I’m not sure what else I’ll be doing. But staying off the internet unless it’s for school and I absolutely have to. And leaving my smartphone at home again. Of course, dumbing that down too.

I think that’s about it, hopefully when I come back I will have made progress. Lots of it.


#38

Week 4, Day 4.

Relapsed.

Yep. I’m back on the computer. Might as well say it. I relapsed and went back on my promise. Not only that, last night was a social disaster, and the whole fucking school was there. They found out about the girl I liked cause I spilled the beans, and I think I left a bad impression on her. Dealing with so much stress and regret, I came back on and used the internet as comfort.

And yeah. This fucking sucks.


#39

Don‘t be so hard on yourself, even if you messed up this time :slightly_smiling_face:

See, you learned what doesn‘t work. Next time remember it and try something different. Like going for a walk outside to clear your thoughts or taking out a sheet of paper and write down what comes to mind - something I can‘t recommend enough. Don‘t use a screen, use pen and paper. It makes a world of diffence.


#41

Week 4, Day 5 Update

On leTigre’s ban.

Even though it started a few days ago. Today I heard about what happened to leTigre and how she was banned from the site. I was just browsing a little bit after posting my journal entry when I saw anthymn’s comment on Tigre’s journal. Curiously, I looked to see what all of it was about. I used to talk with Tigre about nosurf and technology. But that was a couple of months ago, it was kind of exciting to hear from Tigre again. But then I saw that for some reason she was in a fight with the mods. I read her “explaination” which was just her defending herself. I was confused. Were the mods going around abusing their power?

It was even more suspicious when the explanation was at first unlisted, then deleted, and finally her account was banned. I wanted to be neutral and to get both sides of the story just to know what was going on, message both some mods and Tigre herself. But by the time I could message Tigre, she was banned. Even if I did message her, she would probably either lie or just not respond at all. With her being banned and all. It was so weird how the mods were just silencing her. I was ready to defend her if I needed to. But then I read what she said that got her banned in the first place. It was really depressing to read, coming from someone I talked to and even called a friend and an accountability partner. She didn’t say anything to me in particular, but she essentially shit-talked the whole community. And I am a part of the Nosurf community.

And all of that just reminds me why I started this journal in the first place. I remember feeling like I didn’t belong here, like I had no friends or even someone to talk to. So I tried to delete my account. I started deleting comments so I can finally leave. But then someone messaged me out of the blue. He didn’t have to, but then that’s what made me change my mind. So I decided I wasn’t trying hard enough and then I started the journal. So I can understand feeling like an outcast. But thinking you’re a big badass who starts your own blog to talk about things that this site is just “too afraid” to talk about is just childish. When I read that part, this is what I thought.

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And Tigre, if you’re reading this right now. I’ll just say that I’m immensely disappointed that you just talked shit about the whole community like that, after they (including myself) were more than happy to talk to you and give advice. You even had my skype account. You could have messaged me or anyone else about anything you were dealing with. I was even ready to defend you against the mods and risk having my account be banned as well if you were innocent and the mods were all on a powertrip. But you instead saw the community as too immature to possibly handle what you’re dealing with. So you go around manipulating other members who trusted you (even the mods themselves) and starting your own little blog just so you can get all of the money. All I can say to that is, good luck. For someone who says that they don’t care about money, you sure care a whole fuckin’ lot because you betrayed the trust of me along with everyone else on here to start your own little blog. I have no sympathy for you, and may God have mercy on your soul. If there even is one.


#43

It’s okay for those people to have their own independent blogs that are similar to Nosurf, more power to them. I was just angry how she went all dark side, like I said. And what’s done is done. I just wanted to write about it on here since I had nowhere else to write to.