The One Against The Million - teenagedreaming's Journal


#1

Hello Nosurfers. I’ve been disappointed in the lack of progress I’ve been making and how I’m not really connected with the community. It all got so frustrating that I tried to delete my account. So I’m trying some new stuff. One of them being that I start a journal instead of just posting. It’s kinda fitting how I start on July 31st. A new month.

For a little background. I’m a 17 year old soon-to-be senior in high school. The reason why I am a nosurfer is because of how I spent so much time staring at a screen, and gained nothing from it. Now I want to do the opposite. Spend little time on the screen, and gain a lot from it.

“For time and the world do not stand still, change is the law of life. Those who look only to the past or the present are certain to miss the future.” - John F. Kennedy, 35th President of the United States.


#2

Day 0

Not sure if I should keep K9 or Mobicip right now. K9 has more control and I can block whatever the hell I want, but it sometimes lags and seems a little “questionable” even though my Antivirus says it’s safe. But Mobicip is faster but I don’t get to control what I can block.

And if I could just erase pornography from the face of the internet with the snap of my fingers, that would be a blessing. It’s way too easy for me to slip up on something so addicting. Same can be said about Reddit and Youtube, but porn is a lot worse in my eyes.


#3

I don’t know about these programs that you mentioned, but just a suggestion: have you tried browser extensions? They’re free, and do the job pretty well. I had to resort to those because I couldn’t install Cold Turkey and I had negative experiences with other blockers, but extensions pretty much do the same job, for free. At least I am satisfied.

I don’t want to promote any, so If you want any additional info, lemme know. This is only a suggestion, though, you do whatever fits you and good luck on your journey. :slight_smile:


#4

Day 2.

So I pretty much had another “relapse” this morning. It sucks because today is my best friend’s birthday. Maybe the best birthday present I can give to him would be improvement. But I digress.

I also accidentally locked myself out of the internet on my home computer (thanks, Pluckeye). So now I’m typing this in a local library. Even if I were to somehow fix this problem, I might still opt to use it at a library so I’m not at home all of the time. Perhaps using my pc for music production or storing pictures for me to draw, then using the “Internet” at the library if I can for the sake of focus and living the “Nosurf” lifestyle.

I don’t want us to share every dirty little secret on this site, as I believe every person should have a right to privacy (within reason of course), but has anyone here researched the effects of porn on the brain? That stuff is a lot worse than social media in my opinion, even if we consume it less.

Anyway, I think that’s it.


#5

I’m glad to see you’ve started a journal! One of the reasons why I started a public journal was to keep myself accountable. It’s one thing to fail silently alone in your bedroom, it’s another thing to fail whilst everyone is watching. I still had many internal motivators, but being open about everything definitely gave me that extra boost of motivation!


#6

Day 3.

I’m beginning to notice some small, but significant improvements. For once, I have not watched any porn this morning. Not a peek. Which isn’t something that usually happens these days. And because my computer is still bugged, I haven’t been browsing on it as much either. Instead, I’m browsing on my phone now. Yesterday was the perfect day to set up my smartphone to be “nosurf-ified”, but I fell asleep before I could.

And this is also the second day I am typing this at a library. If there’s any ideal place to use the web in a productive manner, I think going to a library would be the best place to, unless you’re doing something you can’t do at a library or you just can’t go to the library in the first place.

Speaking of computers. I’ve been really questioning how important software is to my “unbrainwashing”, if I’m actively trying to improve my life. I’m not sure what role they should exactly play. It used to be where I would rely on them too much, and without it, I would just be another one of the mindless, trendy kids. Surfing my life away. But now here I am trying to use my willpower here.

Lastly, while I was sleeping next to my smartphone, with my room light on, I had a weird dream where I think I was running away from something, not sure what. But I found a box full of supplies, and among one of them was a small, entirely touchscreen smartphone, and the other was a regular sized flip phone. And for some reason though, neither of them worked. But for some reason I felt so much more attached to the flip phone for whatever reason. It was strange, and so real I think I woke up thinking I actually had a flip phone for a second. Dreams are weird, and I’m not sure if it had any meaning to it.


#7

I started my journal for similar reasons. I was just tired of the lack of progress I was making, and how what I was doing just wasn’t helping. I was willing to do anything different. Accountability partners, new software, new techniques. It was so bad I almost deleted my whole Nosurf account just to stay off the PC and to finally improve. But then I changed my mind and decided to start this journal.

I’ve definitely considered switching to extensions, and I’ve been thinking about it right now after screwing up my PC with Pluckeye. No matter what though, I have yet to see a program that essentially disables searching the web through Cortana, which is the biggest problem I have. But it’s a good reason why I’m using the library computers instead.


#8

Day 4

Just woke up.

In case you couldn’t tell, I fixed my PC. So I’m typing this at home. Kind of a hypocrite for doing it, but still. Still not sure when to use the library computer, or use the one at home. Still not sure what role software should play. Not much else to say other than that, just slowly improving. Still haven’t watched any porn. Might go draw or something.


#9

You’ll figure out what plays what role in your life with time. Different things will work for different people. Just pick one thing to try. Stick to it. If it doesn’t feel right, move on to the next thing. Rinse and repeat.


#10

Day 5

Another day of not looking at porn, but another day of surfing. Going a few days without PMOing is a nice change of pace. But I still found myself surfing a lot on my smartphone, in fact that’s the first thing I did this morning. I hope that getting a flip phone will fix it, but that won’t be for another 6 months. Speaking of phones, I’m thinking about leaving my phone in the kitchen when I go to bed. I wanna be able to call someone (namely, cops) if someone breaks in and I can’t deal with it myself. But I keep a baseball bat in my closet. And to be honest, I’m more likely wait in my room with the lights off instead of calling the cops (and making noise).

I’m kind of afraid of leaving my phone at home, I don’t live in a very dangerous neighborhood. But there was a time where I saw this weird guy while I was with a friend. He looked like a creep, he was driving a windowless white van and he was flipping us off. Luckily, we didn’t have to call the cops and he just drove away (flipping us off of course). I didn’t have my phone, so I couldn’t call the cops, luckily my friend did. But I just always like doing things myself, not having to rely on other people. And I can be pretty stubborn about it. The incident itself wasn’t that bad, but I think it could have been a lot worse. Ever since then, I’ve always been afraid that the freedom of not having a phone on me would turn into the one thing that kills me.


#11

Day 5 Update.

I ended up watching some porn after browsing on my smartphone. That being said, I updated my phone to where it only has the apps I absolutely need and can’t do anywhere else. I plan to do the same with my iPad as well, but I’ll likely be a tad bit more lenient because of how big it is.


#12

Day 6

Kinda did it once this morning, but I didn’t look at any porn. Other than that, the truly minimal phone is going great, I’m stepping out of my comfort zone! After “relapsing” so to speak, I feel a little sense of paranoia. Like how both of my parents (whether willingly, or unwillingly) are trying to inhibit my progress. Maybe it’s just me, who knows.


#13

Week 1, Day 3.

I apologize for having not posted in a while. Just kind of procrastinated a lot recently. My internet habits are growing a lot worse, and I think I’m starting to “lose touch” socially. Just being a little passive aggressive, selfish, acting without empathy, and even being morally bankrupt.

Internet habits. Just surfing on youtube all day, not showering until around noon, and barely working on what I want to do in life.

I’m starting to hate going out. Because everyone just kinda does their own thing. I’m accomplishing nothing by going out. Not improving my social skills, not gaining new friends or even acquaintances. I’m not gaining anything, so I’m wasting my time. I just got my schedule back for school, and it seems that I have all new teachers, so I have about 8 people I barely even know, and won’t ever see again soon after I graduate. That was probably the case for all 3 years, I just never saw it because I could always come back and say hi, that doesn’t happen when you’re a senior. And I’m terrible at talking to former teachers. I’m just awkward as hell and I barely understand social cues.

I hope I find a new group of friends, but that honestly seems unlikely.


#14

Hey, always remember that this journal is all about you and your happiness. If you don’t feel like posting for a while that’s totally okay. It’s nothing to apologize for.

This is easier said than done, but when making these kinds of life transitions we have to practice a lot of self compassion. Always forgive yourself when you’ve messed up. Not only does it feel better but, when we forgive ourselves, we are less likely to make the same mistake twice because we’re not holding on to the emotional stress.

Social skills take time to improve hence why so many people struggle with it for so long but trust me when I say that you are doing a great service to yourself by trying to actively get out there. In a few years, you’ll look back and see that it was one of the best decisions you’ve ever made for yourself.

To be honest, I’m pretty bad at making friends so there’s not much I can help you with there haha. Some people you’re going to get along with well, others you won’t.

In the worst case scenario of you not being able to find a new group of friends, participating in a club or other social group that centers around things you find interesting is a good alternative. I took swimming lessons a few months ago and I didn’t have any close friends there but it was still nice to spend time with people once a week doing something I enjoyed. It definitely helped me feel less lonely even if I didn’t know anyone well.


#15

It hurts that you are so hard on yourself. Maybe you failed, yes. But beating yourself down means consigning yourself to fail again and again, because you see yourself as someone who will fail. Rather than doing that try to acknowledge that yes, you have failed, but realizing what went wrong you will try to do better next time because you no longer see yourself as that person doing all those things you do not like.


#16

I’m not sure what to say to that, other than you might be right.

Other than that, I often find myself setting up personal deadlines. Maybe it’s because I’ve been in school for so long that the “deadline” gave my life structure and order, and so I do the same with my own life. This is no different.


#17

Week 1, Day 5.

I almost slipped up by PMOing again. Hell, I even looked today. But I stopped, and decided I needed to really change how I am using technology. I went to the library (where I am right now), and I started to notice how much better Windows 7 is compared to Windows 10, probably because Microsoft is trying to distract and dumb people down. There’s no cortana or loophole for me to look through, but then again I would never want to watch porn at a library.

This time, I want to use the library a lot more. Like the “every chance I get” kind of more. I’m just so much more productive at the library than I am at home. I just wonder how I can get myself to stay off the pc at home unless I absolutely need to. Then just getting my smartphone and tablet to adjust to this new digital lifestyle.


#18

Week 1, Day 5 Update

Slipped up and full on PMO’d. Sometimes I wish I could leave this town and find stuff to do. Maybe learn how to drive.

But there’s this viscous cycle I’m noticing. I get so much energy built up and then can’t find anywhere to release it then boom I PMO and then I can’t do the test.


#19

Week 2

Tomorrow is my first day of senior year in high school. I’m kinda nervous, I’ll be going back to hell. Will people remember me? Do you guys have any tips for socializing in high school? For 3 whole years I was a loner. And to be honest, I’m not really expecting any changes to that right now. I just feel really jaded about high school honestly.

Other than that, I’ve been thinking about how I use my smartphone. I learned that both devices (computer and phone) really have pros and cons. Plus, as you all know. I’ve been a slave to my pc. I’d try to get on whenever I got the chance. And now my dad will be playing a video game for pretty much the rest of the week. Would it be worth it to use my smartphone? Just not trying to browse, maybe turning it off at social situations or if I just feel like I’ll be a slave to it.

Perhaps social media is a cognitive trap. You’ve all heard of those right? Where traps screw with your mind, but you’ll know how to get out of it once you realize the whole thing.

But I’ll still get a flip phone next year, just cause I feel like it.


#20

Week 2, Day 1

What I said last night was bullshit. Yeah sure they do have pros and cons, but it turns out it’s much better taking off almost all the apps so it doesn’t distract me.

“Teenagedreaming, what does that name give you the image of? A man or a slave? I would prefer the former, but right now it’s been a latter. Ever since I was a young boy, my life has been nothing but comfort and instant gratification. Does that sound like a dream? But while I was in that comfort, I lost the way to being patient, and working for things that may not happen in a minute, an hour, or even a day. Every time I start on something important, such as Nofap, Guitar, Writing, or even working out. I get so impatient I end up quitting for a few days. I’ve grown so used to comfort that I just hate the feeling of discomfort. And yet, that’s what keeps the formerly fat from the fat, the wouldbeing to the being. Discomfort is my friend, and Comfort is the enemy.” - Something I said to another nosurfer.