Reclaiming My Masculine Edge - Teenagedreaming's Second Journal


#1

Hello Nosurfers.

I decided to start a second journal in my attempt to toughen myself up with discomfort. Mentally, physically, and even emotionally if it comes down to it. And that starts with the way I use technology.


#2

September 29, 2018.

When I was 15 years old, I was alpha as fuck. I wasn’t in my prime, and I wasn’t perfect by any means necessary. I was still a smartphone addict, a gamer (though around this time I didn’t really care much for modern games, and I secretly hated my gaming habits and wanted to do other things. But I never actually quit that until I was 16.), and an internet addict in general. Which lead to me being late to school almost every day. I wasn’t a bad student but I could’ve been a lot better had I discovered Nosurf. But there were things that I did that made me more confident, that by my 17th birthday I pretty much stopped completely.

I would sometimes reminisce about how great I was back then, and I once tried to be like that only to fall back into my old ways. Hell, I was 15 years old when I managed to go almost a month without relapsing to PMO. Though I looked every now and then, I never fully PMO’d for full 36 days. The closest I ever came to that in recent times was 21 days when I was 16. And 11 days until I relapsed yesterday.

But during that same day when I still had my streak, I read an article on the Art of Manliness called You May Be Strong . . . But Are You Tough? where he talked about how most men are total fucking pussies. Even the ones who work out every day and have 6 packs. He said they were pussies because even though they were strong and worked out at the gym. They worked in comfortable conditions, lifting manmade instruments. They would be completely screwed if one of the plausible situations they prepare for by working out (you work out to get tough right?) weren’t in the comfortable conditions they were used to at the gym. They would be like the fat kids if they were teleported back to the ancestral years. And I would be even worse.

But nonetheless, my main goal with this journal is to start doing what I used to do when I was 15. Not only that, but improving upon it with this new knowledge I have now at 17. For a little more explanation, doing crazy and uncomfortable things to make myself tougher and manlier than general. I’ve provided a link for those who want to read it themselves and do what I’m doing.

For example, just now I took a cold shower. Instead of just sitting there in the hot warmth like I usually would, I instead made it cold on purpose because I used to do it at 15. And I came out feeling much better. But that’s just a small part of my journey.

Of course it wouldn’t surprise me that most, if not all nosurfers on here started working out or improving their bodies once they stopped sitting in front of their screens most of the day. In fact I would be quite shocked if the opposite was true. I’m only bringing it more to light, as I never really see many threads on here talking about physical fitness. Even less about being more “primal” so to speak.

Even though I’m focusing on being more fit, I won’t be able to post any pictures of myself on here. I don’t want that to come back to haunt me somehow.

Lastly, about my other journal The One Against The Million, I’m not sure what I will do with it. I don’t plan on deleting it, but I don’t plan on making many posts on it either. Think of this as like a movie trilogy. That journal is the first movie, and this one should be the sequel where things get more developed. Thanks to all the people who helped me get this far, even if it’s just an online community.

That’s all I have now. Cya.


#3

Cool dude, art of manliness is a good blog some of their content is actually very transformative in a good way.

Have you ever thought about getting into BJJ or Muay Thai?


#4

Never heard of those two things. What are they about?


#5

Just be careful what idea of masculinity you subscribe to. I feel like certain ideas of masculinity even got people like you into the mess; being told gaming all day is just what men do, being told watching porn a lot and desiring sex all the time is so manly, never showing weakness or processing emotions properly because that makes you a “pussy” so you all turn to the internet to distract yourself and hide your emotions.

I feel like in 2018, no one has the patience anymore to deal with emotionally closed off men who wanna come off as tough but just feel alienating, weird, and untrustworthy because they periodically lash out aggressively because of pent up emotional stuff or even trauma.

You gotta do you, and you gotta like yourself. If punishing yourself makes you happy, go for it. But don’t expect other people to be impressed by your self flagellation or pretending to have no emotions. In my experience, trying to reach some unattainable goal of masculinity has ruined some amazing men around me because it turned them from interesting well rounded humans you could talk to and be open with into closed-off, emotionally unstable people.

Some strands of masculinity ideals just don’t sound like expressing gender and more like self harm and self suppression in an act of ill mental health. Be aware of that.


#6

I’ve seen all of those things, that’s how I kept gaming and pmoing for so many years. And also when I was younger, whenever I cried in front of my dad after he was angry, it only made him angrier. It wasn’t flat out abuse, but that’s why I hate crying. I just get so embarrassed I wanna leave or just get really angry myself.

What do you mean? Are you saying this journal is just me trying to show the community how tough I am in order to gain some kind of praise and respect?

Let me just say that I feel immensely lucky to have discovered this as a teenager. I’m pretty sure everyone on here would have loved to have discovered this site when they were teens. Better yet, birth. Because even then I was still an addict for years. I’m just so eager to beat this internet addiction by my 20’s.

I could definitely see that happening. They feel like they weren’t “good enough”, like they were dragging down everyone just by simply being there. So in their minds, they must stay away from everyone to help them. It’s a recipe for suicidal thoughts and depression. I myself experienced a similar thing where I just stayed away from everyone so I wouldn’t get hurt. He calls it “Darth Vader”.

What do you mean by expressing gender?

I’ll keep that in mind, as of right now my two only sources are Art of Manliness and Universal Man’s YouTube channel that I try not to binge on. Unfortunately though one of the things I plan to do is cut my personal computer usage to nearly non existent unless it’s for school and/or I absolutely cannot go to the library and it’s somehow really important.


#7

It’s good that you have seen all of this so you know to stay away from that kind, and also not to perpetuate it. If you apply masculinity like that to other people, it might cause them a similar damage.

I was saying the thing with self-flagellation because I see a lot of people trying to work on their masculinity who are lonely and hope to attract friends and women with it, but they overestimate the importance of masculinity in doing just that. Masculinity itself doesn’t build character. Do you know these types of guys who think going to the gym is a personality? Similar to that.

By expressing gender I mean doing something that makes you sure of your gender (being a man in your case) and encompasses anything you think is a trait or a needed asset in being male. Healthily expressing gender might be wearing clothes you think is really emphasizing your male physique, or wearing a beard, etc.

Views on masculinity are probably culturally bound and differing in specific cultures, but where I’m from, it’s frowned upon to be proud of something you didn’t do anything for. Similar how patriots are regarded as losers here because they didn’t do anything to be born here, people too focused and proud of their masculinity are as well because they didn’t do anything to be born male. We view it as someone who doesn’t have something real to be proud of, so they’re proud of something that was gifted to them by random chance - birth. You can educate yourself, work out, develop hobbies and a character, do well somewhere, and they all contribute to being a good and interesting person and they’re things you can be proud of. But something that’s belonging to you regardless of what you do is no source of pride where I live, so maybe that’s a reason why I am so critical of it. Just a cultural anecdote.


#8

October 14, 2018.

Yeah long time no see. I just went a few hours with no power. And in this time away from the web, or just electricity in general (thank god it was daytime when it happened). That time just made me realize how reliant I became these days on electricity. I can’t even list them all. But the point is, once that wire is cut I’m just bored as hell sitting around doing nothing. Wasting even more time than I would if the 'net was on.

I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me like a freight train. I found it so ironic that my dad, someone who doesn’t even know much about this site, has no problems being off the computer. He’ll happily just sit in front of the TV with my mom and dog. Yet I, a nosurfer, get angry and irritated sometimes when I have to get off. Fuck. It’s like just saying you’re a nosurfer doesn’t mean shit. You can say it all you want and browse for every fucking spare hour you have. While the “unenlightened smartphone addicts” around you can manage their internet habits better.

Fuck it. I wanna be more prepared when this shit happens again. I just miss how back then around junior year of high school I tried my damn hardest to stay away from screens. Anything I could do without a screen, I would. I wanna bring that back.


#9

October 27, 2018.

I’m getting addicted to my computer again. Ever since I switched from writing novels to comic books, it’s been days since I’ve sat in my writing studio, which I made for writing and drawing without a screen stuck to my face. Instead I’m in the computer room, typing away.

When I moved my computer out of my room and into the same room as my dad’s, I saw it as a small victory that meant I was free from the constant temptation that the PC gave when I would sleep with it in my room at night. But now, it’s just a small roadblock. All I had to do to get on was just look in, check and see if nobody is using it or is going to use it. Then just hop on, shut the door, and surf.

I would mainly use it to write scripts for my comic books on Google Docs, but I would surf so goddamn much I would barely get anything done. Barely even a page. And I want to write entire issues. It’s kind of ironic how the room I dedicated to writing, I don’t use to write. I’m just afraid of making a mistake and having to waste paper. That, and the precious dopamine I get from surfing.

Sometimes, I wish my computer was gone for good. Or I just mentally erase it from existence. I wouldn’t really care for the most part. This post is one of those posts where I complain about shit, then somehow come up with a solution, or at least a step in the right direction.

Maybe I ought to just write the rough drafts on paper, then type it up and edit on Google Docs. I’m usually an old fashioned guy when it comes to tech. I’m a nosurfer, I want a flip phone but in the mean time I turned my smartphone into one-ish. It may not be exact but there’s no internet or music so I guess that counts. And if I had the chance I would love for a modern typewriter. But damn, it must have been a pain in the fucking ass for writers who didn’t have Google Docs and shit. Where they had to write out so many revisions of their stories by hand. Orwell, Hemingway, Salinger, Huxley, Ditko, Lee. All those guys.

But that’s just how things have been going for me.


#10

November 7, 2018

Saw a kid with a flip phone at school today. Gave me some hope. Other than that I’ve been trying to move from PC to iPad with the stuff I wanna do.


#11

I’ve heard other writers talk about this too. People whos living is to write books. From what I’ve heard, this process will always be hard. Instead of passively consuming online content, you want to create ideas, characters and stories from nothing, just with your own imagination. If you compare both options, it’s easy to see why your brain wants to surf instead of write.

That’s why your best plan of action is to not even give yourself the chance to surf. Some writers do that by renting out a cabin in the woods, without an internet or phone connection, and stay there for multiple days just to write. But that might be a little unrealistic in our case.

My first tip is to switch to a text editor (instead of google docs) and turn your laptop to airplane mode. That way, if you want to surf, you have to activate your wifi and open the browser - two additional steps to realise what you’re doing. An even better option is to buy an old laptop/pc for cheap and just install a text editor - nothing else. Don’t even connect it to the wifi. That way, if you want to surf, you would have to log in to the wif and install a browser. Sounds like a lot of work to do some mindless surfing, right?

If buying an old, used laptop isn’t in your budget right now, you could deactivate your wifi. You could simply plug out the router, but most routers have some kind of software for you to temporarily deactivate the wifi. You can plan it in advance: From 6 to 8 pm will be your writing time, so you automatically deactivate the wifi in this time frame.

Basically, my tip is to bring in as many steps between you writing and you surfing as possible to make it super hard for your brain to take over and start mindlessly consuming.


#13

I’m a huge fan of writing my books longhand. It forces me to slow down the thoughts a bit more. I write much cleaner by hand than when I type. It’s like the handwritten words have more value than the typed words. I feel more involved in my own novel as well.

There are many very known and prolific authors who handwrite their novels.