UPDATE: Wow, thanks mods for not taking this down
Just to better keep with the theme of #success and to put things into context I tried to sum up my entire No Surf journey in as few words as possible:
Have been dependent on technology (specific websites and video games) for quite a long time (at least since I was 12). My behaviour had negative consequences on my life, but it wasn’t anything unmanageable. I was complacent. High schools tend to allow a lot of room for failure. University is different. Lost control. Mental health waxed and waned. Failed 1 course. Almost failed many others. Made New Year’s resolution to change in 2016. Failed. Made New Year’s resolution to change in 2017. Failed again. Made News Year’s resolution to change in 2018. First half was okay but was still overall a failure. Missed my target grades in each course by 1-3%. Had I just put in a few more hours, I would have succeeded. Instead, I binged YouTube and Reddit. Found No Surf somewhere around there. Tried to get serious in May 2018 (no school). Epically failed. Got desperate. Needed help! Joined this No Surf forum. Used advice from No Surf to work smarter while I worked harder. Got educated on the problem at hand. Researched a lot about addiction in general too. Things started to get under control by the end of July but then all the feelings that I described below started to emerge. I can guess what events triggered those feelings, but I’d rather not specify it here publicly. Unfortunately, rather than address my burden, I decided to take it all out on No Surf instead! Endless shit-talking ensued.
Take care everyone. Good bye .
Hello everyone it’s le Tigre,
Mods, please don’t remove this post or this account.
I would really like it if you guys kept this up as a reminder to everyone here that just because things go wrong, doesn’t necessarily mean that your whole world is over. You can still find value in yourself and pick yourself up again even after you have made mistakes. I call that “respecting one’s humanity”. I’ve found it to be a useful approach to have towards life on many occasions.
I know I sent a similar apology to the mod team privately a while ago but this one is for the community.
I would just like to say that I am very sorry for what I did to everyone here at No Surf. I really do respect all of you but unfortunately I have my own struggles too. These struggles led to the behaviour that you all witnessed from me around the end of August. I was really dealing with a lot. I was dealing with so much that I’m only now starting to make sense of it all. I never even realized that people cared about me back then (before my temper tantrum). Why did I think this way? I don’t know. It seems to be my default mode of thinking. It’s only now registering to me that there were actually a lot of people who cared about me hence why I’m trying to apologize. My belief that no one cared about me actually led me to be more ruthless than I would have been otherwise. It made me feel like I had nothing to lose.
To scratch the surface of what I was going through:
- My insecurties led me to relive past hurt that wasn’t leaving me alone
- I was experiencing anxiety about school
- I was also alone in my house for about a week because everyone else was overseas. My mother was visiting family. and my brother was on vacation. My mother had actually noticed I wasn’t doing well even before she had left. I should probably take her intuition more seriously now.
- Generally lots of anxiety and feelings of inadequacy
I’ve been analyzing myself every time I feel hurt by someone and I’ve noticed that almost every time I start to get angry, a memory of a past hurt is recalled. I’m just constantly reliving stuff from my past. It’s also my own insecurity. I have a deep belief that’s hard to shake that most people, including my own family, are trying to hurt me. This is where the anger comes from.
The way that I behaved at the end of August was quite unique though. I think this is partially due to the fact that it took place in an online atmosphere. My anger usually manifests itself as me snapping back at people, or speaking to them in an annoyed tone of voice, or I will simply leave the area. It usually doesn’t last more than a few moments and never more than a day. However, the online atmosphere made me feel more powerless than usual. That feeling of powerlessness simply led to more anger. It trapped me in that state of mind for much longer than I usually would have been.
I cannot lie that the main reason why I keep coming back and attempting to make amends is mostly motivated by a selfish desire to relieve my own pain. I’m actually in a lot of pain. Yeah, sometimes I feel happy but then the pain just comes back again and it just stays there for a while. Some people are going to take a lot of joy in that previous statement. That’s okay. It’s okay to hate me. I just want people to know that I know that I did something wrong. Please leave this post up. I will not post here again. I will not talk to anyone or PM anyone (last person I PM’d here was @thewriterIam because he’s cool). I won’t make any new accounts. I won’t try to defend myself. You’re free to think whatever you wish to think. I just want people to be aware of this. I just want you guys to leave this one up.
Ironically, during highschool someone did a similar thing to me that I did to you all and it took me almost 3 years to forgive him and move on. The difference is that he never actually apologized to me even though he’s literally my next door neighbour, lol.