MaxWolf's progress journal


#21

Fuck.

And that’s the end of my journal entry! See you in six weeks or whatever :wave:

I’m obviously joking, But at this point, it’s not that farfetched.

I don’t even know what to write. How should I start this?
Maybe by saying that I suck. But that’s too negative.
I could write about the progress that I’ve made? Hah. What progress?
A joke maybe? Nah.
The thing is: There is no answer.
Why? Because I don’t want to write this entry at all.

Was that beginning too negative? Yeah. But whatever. Sometimes you just have to vent a littie bit.

I posted my last update about two weeks ago. Two weeks, in which I’ve managed to get back into nearly every bad habit I ever had. These past two weeks were like a “who’s who” of terrible decisions. Not only NoSurf related; some general health related stuff as well. I’m shocked that a few months ago, I didn’t eat any sweets at all. At this point, this seems impossible to do again.

I’m sorry for being so negative. I like to think of myself as a positive and optimistic person. Giving advice to people and telling them to stay confident and give it their all. However, I’m better at being optimistic for other people, than for myself.

I’m really not sure how to strcuture this post. Is it possible to structure a post like this? Normally, I give every goal I have its’ own paragraph. You know what? I’m gonna try this:
Writing
This is the first thing I’ve written in the last two weeks.
Studying
I still spend the majority of my time at university and I manage to complete all the necessary assignments (with good grades as well!). But I’ve recently notives that a majority of my time is spent doing nothing and talking to friends. Of the approximately 7 hours I spend at university everyday, about 2 hours of that time are spent doing something actually productive.
Working out/Staying fit
Hah
Staying off YouTube and Spotify
Nope

Were there other goals I had? Who knows at this point.

This feels like the lowest point I’ve ever been at. I honestly can’t remeber when I felt worse about my progress in life.

So, what’s the plan? To try it again, I guess. Is there anything else I could do? Probably. But I’m not sure.
The funny thing is, if I would’ve seen someone else on here write a post like this, I would’ve written a gigantic post where I’d tell them to not give up and try again. But as I’ve said:

I’m better at being optimistic for other people, than for myself.

I need a break.


#22

Hey. Seems like you’re kind of in the same place I am.

I’m glad you came to the forum to update even if you feel like it’s pointless. Is it possible you’re feeling depressed? I only ask because I came to the conclusion that I’m depressed right now, which is why some of my internet habits have slipped.

I have no great advice but I do hope you start to feel better. Maybe you need to have… what’s it called?.. a cathartic writing session. I just wrote a list about why I feel bad, which ended up being about 50+ lines long, super negative and horrible, and I’ll probably add more to it later. By just spitting out all the terrible things I’ve been ruminating on and all the things I think about myself, I feel a little tiny bit lighter.

Thanks for always being here on the forum to support us. I know you might feel like a hypocrite but I don’t think you are. We all struggle with discipline from time to time.


#23

@zeldajones I’m sorry to hear you’ve slipped back into a depression. It might be the season. I’ve always struggled to keep up around this time of year but luckily, I haven’t fallen into a full fledged depression yet. I hope it doesn’t last too long! Depression sucks but at the same time I know it makes us into stronger people in the end! There are many people I admire that have dealt with depression in the past.

@MaxWolf I really hope you start feeling better too! You’ve contributed a lot to this community. Please pat yourself on the back for that! It’s made a HUGE difference.


#24

Max, your post is why I posted a similarly frustrating update myself. You’re not alone. It seems that all addictions come with relapses. I’m pretty down myself at the moment but what choice do we have but to stand back up and try again? As long as we live we have the chance to do better.


#25

The last week has been weird. After my last journal entry read like a watered-down suicide note (just making a joke here, I’m fine!), I realized that there was something seriously wrong with me. I haven’t been all that productive the last few days and I generally feel like shit. What helped me cope with those feelings? The internet, obviously.
So after a week-long internet binge it’s time to get serious again and really rethink my strategy here.

At the moment, moderating my internet use does not work. It just doesn’t. I’ve tried multiple times and failed multiple times. “Just one YouTube video”, “Just 10 minutes Reddit”, “Just one song on Spotify” and so on. I seem to think that I can control my habits, as I’ve been able to do so in the past, but that’s not the case anymore.

I’ve decided to take a 30 day internet break.

If you’ve been following this journal for a long time, you might remember that I’ve done something like that in the past as well. And back then, it helped me big time. Towards the end of that challenge, I was more “Laissez-faire” with upholding my own boundaries, but it still helped me a ton. So why not try it again?

(If any of you want to try it as well, write me a message! It’s easier to do when you have people to keep you accountable :grin:)

I’ll not use YouTube, Reddit or anything like that. The only exceptions are the obvious one, like checking my Emails, for example.

The biggest challenge is gonna be dealing with boredom. At the moment, the only things I do are going to university and going to the gym. I’m gonna write and read a lot, but that probably still won’t be enough to fill the time. I’m pretty sure I need a “project”. Something like a new hobby or whatever. I’m not sure what that could be yet, but I’m gonna figure something out!

But I don’t want this update to only be a bunch of (hopefully not) empty promises. There’s one area where I managed to make some progress!
I signed up for a local gym! Whoo! Fitness!
Some of you may remember that I’ve always said that I “don’t have time for fitness/sports at the moment”. That is still true, but I can’t just sit at home all the time without having any sort of fitness/sport related hobby! I used to do Taekwondo but my current university schedule doesn’t allow me to do that any longer, so I decided to join the local gym again. Four years ago, I used to hit the gym pretty regularly. And now that I’ve ben doing that again, I remembered how fulfilling it is!
I really want to try my best this time, so I decided to read up on dieting, calories and whatnot. I used to have some light body image problems; I used to think I was kind of overweight. But after gathering information about fitness and a proper diet, I’ve found out that I’m perfectly fine weight wise; if anything, I should gain a few pounds. Combining this new-found knowledge of my weight-situtation with the fact that I’m working out on a regular basis, results in a confidence in my appearance that I haven’t had in years!

I’m gonna end this journal entry with a positive little story, that happened to me:
The gym I signed up for, is the same gym that I went to four years ago. I decided to go to that gym again because it’s the closest to my home and I still remembered that the owner is one of the nicest guys I’ve ever met in my life (everybody loves him).
One morning before I wanted to go to university, I entered the gym and walked to the counter where the owner was currently talking to one of the regulars. He turned to me and looked suprised. I was unsure why my appearance surprised him. I told him I wanted to sign uo for a gym membership. He kept looking at me and said “You used to train here before, right?” I was shocked. “Yeah, but that was four years ago! How did you remember that?!” I asked him, completely overwhelmed by the fact that he recognized my face after not seeing me for four years. He responded “You don’t forget a face like that.” and smiled at me. I was unreasonably happy for the rest of the day.
That’s why everybody loves the owner of that gym.


#26

Sounds like you’ve thought your situation and solution through - good luck during those 30 days. When it’s getting hard, just remember you’ve already managed to make it through a month, even though you were in a much worse situation.

Will this forum be a part of your digital detox?

.

Have you considered canceling Spotify Premium for this one month? That could make it harder to listen to songs and you are saving the few bucks :man_shrugging:

.

Great job! Training in a gym (instead of training at home) made it much easier for me to actually take each work out serious, I hope you’ll see similar results.
Oh, and we should all try to become a little more like that gym owner - he sounds like a great guy :smile:


#27

Absolutely. In enjoy interacting with everybody on here and updating my journal helps me so much in reflecting on my current situation that I don’t want to stop doing it.

I don’t really pay for Spotify Premium. A few years ago, the Telekom offered a phone plan that included Spotify Premium. I, myself, don’t use that plan anymore but my father is still using it. He doesn’t want Spotify though, so I get to keep using it.
Listening to random songs is only a problem I have when I’m on my PC. So by not using it, that problem should be non-existent