Hey Iam! I just read through your journal and it is very encouraging! I could relate to so many things.
“Regardless, the point is that I have been on my phone on YouTube and watching porn for the past two days. And yes that does suck. But it in a weird way I am glad it happened because I had a different experience this time round. For the first time really ever I had this little bug in my ear softly whispering to me, “This is wrong. This is not right.” It just got me thinking about values.”
I had a similar experience. Last night I had a horrible insomnia and spent few hours on YouTube after 4 days of no surf. This time it was different though. I was fully aware of what I was doing, it felt so dull this time, the videos seemed boring. I had thoughts: am I benefiting my future self? Is it making me a better person? Bottom line: It was not an enjoyable experience. I don’t regret it neither though. I think, the more we stay away from the internet, the more aware and present we become, and the more our actions aline with the good that we want for ourselves. I think it is a sign of the brain being rewired. Yes, we might have some fallbacks, but giving up an addiction is a no joke, as long as we bounce back, forgive ourselves and move on, it’s all good and part of a journey.
“Also, I had a scare today. I thought I was going to relapse, but I said, “This isn’t in my values.” And I got back to work!!!”
This is just awesome. So encouraging! Nice and simple: is it in my values? If the answer is no, do the right thing, don’t overthink it, don’t overdramatize it, move forward, period. Good stuff.
"So this morning I actually woke up and didn’t have screaming urges to go on my phone which was nice.
It is a clear evidence that the urges taper off with days when not acting upon them. Exactly what I read in the neuroscience books. Keep it up. It will only get easier with time.
“The other thing I have started to do is I have started to talk to my wife about this problem.” Another great idea as well. It does feel shameful to open up to somebody but is so helpful.
“I felt myself drifting to a bad place so I came here instead.” Well done! Why not to refocus and remind yourself of the reasons why are you up for all this?
All the best in your endeavours!